I developed the 6 pillars of joy activation as a way to add value; to serve others. Then I realized there are several steps that come before this… AND owning and practicing the concept of joy is an ongoing journey that even I continue to take into account. The intent was there: to create a resource toward hope and joy for others. Still, I myself seemed to be attached to joy and emotional wellness as a source of pain and illness erasure. I was so sure that life gets better for all because **I was *already healed,*at least emotionally. Little did I know.

Getting Real

This is the part where I get real; authentically.

After being in the hospital most of 2019, I knew I had to tap into my activated joy more. Then, a couple years later, life came to a head and I had my first panic attack. I was emotionally scarred and so down. ‘Was that joy?’, I wondered… I realized then that yes, I had activated joy, AND that activating joy does not mean you don’t still have to do the healing work. Because Y’all, I needed some healing; badly.

Self-Awareness

Developing self-awareness as a progression toward healing is more of a process than we may originally think, even as we stand conscious of our mission to be so. How do I know? As I continue to do the inner work myself, I have had to admit to myself, and now others, some of the trauma in me expressed outwardly with and toward others. This includes an inability to speak up in support of those wronged, a send of grief around my chronic illness diagnosis that affected how I saw myself and my abilities, and also a hint of entitlement established with a mindset that my surrounding community understood this grief fully (even when they didn’t) and so would do anything to “help” me. Even when I myself was wrong, retrospectively. (By the way, it’s okay to admit you were wrong – starting with to yourself – and know you are healing and good at heart) I see now that I was incredibly blinded by hurt that at times had nothing to do with the people I expressed such hurt around.

Life is harder when you’re less aware and less willing to change. So I continue to move forward in making that better. These deep-seated hurts continued to be ignored through grad school, even after my mother passed. I won’t go into my relationship with my mom right now, but just know, she is and was everything to me.

A Realization

As I got sicker during my first years of employment – and then my resulting move home -, I faced what I thought was my near end. I was trying to come to terms with it, until I finally realized I could – and would – pull through. (Let me also say here that no matter what does happen to me because of illness or life in general, my focus right now is to live)

As a mental health practitioner, I know how pervasive mental health can be in our lives as humans – including its affect on our physical sensibilities. I also know that my own mental health issues created more strain than my physical symptoms – even as the two combined.

And… I thought I had done enough. My clients needed me and I was seeing a therapist; wasn’t that enough? When I realized I was not practicing my guided methods, I knew it was time to dig deeper. What else was I not allowing myself to do, lean into, or even think about? Turns out, a lot. My emotions were failing me more than I knew… or I was failing my emotions! My patience was to be tested, but healing was going to take more than some green juices and exercise.

Taking Healing Seriously

Moving forward, I have taken self-awareness and change seriously. I also focus on the emotional aspect of healing while serving my body in ways that make it feel nourished and full. Healing my emotions and noting where I need to change practices and thoughts is huge and it is something I hope to assist with in guiding others to healing as well.

Your Turn!

Do you have physical limitations that you are realizing are affecting (or are affected by) your emotions and thoughts? Let’s chat. Comment on what you are committed to doing about that. Because you can do something. There is a way…

Know that you are valuable because you exist and there is nothing more that makes you worthy of healing. Just felt I needed to add that for those who were doubting this deep truth.

May you have Joy, Love, and Deuces!!!

• Kris